The Cyclops Ass Theory
For the following theory, I now ask you for a good portion of imagination and later perhaps for a little tolerance.
Let’s start with the imagination phase:
Imagine you were an alien life form that comes by chance on the earth. The reason does not matter: Educational travel, failed navigation, last minute offer, sex or disaster tourism … damn!
Imagine further that you know nothing essential about humanity. Oh yes, a little bit about Greek mythology could not hurt you. Otherwise you are totally unbiased and unprejudiced.
And now, being unprejudiced, I shall give you, knowing nothing about humanity aside from a basic knowledge of Greek mythology, the following scenario. And I will then ask you a question to which you, without a second thought, must respond with a single number. It will not be a high number, no decimals … Do not worry, you will not be disgraced. The only problem: you have to be completely honest!
It is a summer day on the planet Earth. You have just landed with your shuttle and you look out at the human beings from a safe hiding place. The only thing you know about humans is from your guidebook and of course from Greek mythology class.
Based on your experience with other forms of life, you manage to make out different sexes and you are now focusing on the females that pass by you. Because you are a curious species, you are watching the unusual human forms from the front, from the side and from behind. When checking them out, you notice that some females tend to wear strange legless clothes that you do not recognize from your planet.
Now you need to focus heavily. You tune in to this garment and imagine that it is a denim skirt. Tricky … How is it possible to know, as an alien, what a denim skirt is?
I know. This sounds at first like a certain contradiction. You must now very briefly, draw on their human matrix. Open your image database, copy a corresponding image and project it onto your imaginary canvas, which you can watch now as an alien. Clear? – As a human being, this may sound more complicated than it is, because fortunately it is for you as an alien, technically regarded, as an aliens childs play. So no problem for you to realize this access to your human host brain. „Prism“ is flying shit compared to your alien hackerism / skills.
You can now see clearly this woman in a denim skirt, from behind! Concentrate on this sight. As we come closer to the crucial moment, simultaneously, the question will come. You will answer, as an unprejudiced alien with little knowledge of human physiognomy, spontaneously and honestly.
Focus! Do you now have the silhouette of a denim skirt burned on your inner screen? Focus!
The question for you, as aliens: How many buttocks does this creature have?
And your answer has to be „One“. Right! With an obvious shrug: „Of course! How many do you think?“ But look at this, how it presents itself from the back in this denim skirt! Clearly you see this single area, excluding major contours, no cuts between left and right … That which dwells there in that denim skirt, which is a single being.
And now you remember well, your early childhood mythology class and therefore you suspect what it could be, for this creature … No, you are sure what it has to be in this essence: a „Cyclops ass“ („Zyklopenarsch“)!
Now we come to the tolerance phase:
The „Cyclops Ass Theory“ („Zyklopenarschtheorie“) may sound sexist or misogynistic at first. But that is not at all. First and foremost, it is not hostile against women, but against jean skirts. I admit that! But it should be. Rightly it is hostile against denim skirts! And I will go further: Every woman’s butt should see a denim skirt as its natural arch enemy! For it is quite shocking and deeply regretable and deplorable what jean skirts can do to something as attractive as a woman’s butt. And the affected butt, I’m talking about here is pretty, shapely, may be crunchy, originally consisting of two (!) butt cheeks, like Ying and Yang only combined to make a meaningful whole.
And women may continue to say, „But a denim skirt is very practical!“ And I show tolerance. If they say that a hundred times and I’ll answer a hundred times: „But it looks like shit!“ – Ohh! Boo! Bad Man! – But that’s nonsense. I don’t want to be evil to the women, on the contrary. The „Cyclops Ass Theory“ („Zyklopenarschtheorie“) is all about education. I want to improve the world and get rid it of jean skirts – sustainably, for ever…